Explain a Family Member's Suicide to a Child

Suicide is hard enough to deal with on its on. Aside from grief and loss, there may be confusion, bitterness, anger, guilt, and many other painful emotions. However, dealing with a family member's suicide when there is an innocent, unknowing child to explain it to can be extremely hard. How do you explain it without scaring them? How can you ensure that they know it wasn't their fault? How do you reassure them that they're well loved? Is it better to be honest and to the point, or gentle and sparing?

If you are the one doing the explaining, you may be aware that this conversation could and most likely, if the relative was a close one, change this child's life forever. Pressuring them by accident or letting your own confusion and anger pass over to them may have terrible results and make them feel as if they were responsible, as if mum/dad/loved one did not really care about them, or plain scared and troubled. This is exactly why you should be careful, and exactly why it can be so hard. However, the key things to remember are that you should be honest, and that you make sure they know they are not at fault. How to do this? Follow these basic steps and it will be done less painfully than you first guessed.

Steps

 * 1) Sit down with the child. Start by gently telling the child that you need to talk with him or her about something very serious and grown up. Make sure they know that they aren't in trouble, but you merely need to discuss something very important. This will signal the child that something big is in the air.
 * 2) Get right to the point. Beating around the bush is not only scary to children but to everyone. When you've made it clear that you have something important to say, say it - don't let the listener agonize over the thing.
 * 3) Don't be afraid to show your emotions, but do keep them in check as you explain. Tell the child that "uncle is not with us any more. He died and went to heaven." (or whatever your belief is)  When the child asks why, explain that "Uncle was very sad and nothing seemed to help him to feel better. Everyone tried very hard to help, but no one was able to get there in time, and he killed himself. They call it suicide when someone kills himself."  It's okay if you are obviously sad, or even if you cry - the child needs to know it's okay for everyone to miss the loved one, and to cry and grieve openly and honestly. Just don't allow yourself to get very emotional - it's scary to kids.  They want to see adults as being in control. You want the child to know that you are, although grieving, in control, and able to look after them.
 * 4) Explain mental illness or depression simply. If the child is still not understanding, tell him or her that "Uncle was very sick, and this was a sickness, not of the heart or lungs, but of the mind. He got sick very fast, and there wasn't time to fix it." Answer any questions as clearly as you can.
 * 5) Make sure the child understands that nobody could have saved the loved one. Be sure to stress that it is nothing that the child did that caused or allowed this to happen. It's common for suicide survivors to feel guilt, and that includes children. Tell the child "Nobody could have prevented uncle's decision, and nobody did anything wrong." If the child asks about whether they may be at fault, ensure they know that they should not feel guilty.
 * 6) Be sure the child knows that the suicide victim loved him or her. A child needs to know that the person who died loved him or her, but that because of the illness s/he may have been unable to express that, or to think about how the child would feel after the death. But do stress that sometimes, love is not enough to cure all ills. No matter how much we love or are loved, mental illness is powerful and, even though many people can be helped, there are some who cannot be.

Tips

 * If someone the child knows, or the child herself, is being treated for depression, it's important to stress that only some people die from depression, but it's rare for that to happen. Explain that there are many options for getting help, like medication, psychotherapy, or a combination of both.
 * Try to refrain from saying things like "God took him." This can be terrifying for a child, who really only understands you to be saying that God killed his or her loved one. That's not comforting at all, and your child is more likely to be angry or shy away from faith in God if s/he believes that, at any moment, God is likely to swoop in and "take" someone - maybe next it'll be his parents or grandparents, or even himself. Instead, just say that the person died, and that luckily, after s/he died, God was there to welcome him or her to heaven.

Warnings

 * Children all react in different ways. Some children may become very scared, others blank and numb. Try not to harass the child and try to determine their emotions and whether they are "normal". Grieving is different for everyone, including children.
 * Don't let your extreme emotions pass over to them. If you're very angry or if you've lost control, don't ever take it out on the child, and refrain from screaming or doing something similar in front of them. If they have seen you, then tell them they still aren't at fault, that you are finding things hard to cope with, but you can still look after them and regain your control.

Related Tips and Steps

 * How to Talk to Your Children About Death
 * How to Live After the Death of a Spouse
 * How to Deal with the Suicide of a Loved One
 * How to Help Someone Who Is Dealing with the Suicide of a Loved One
 * How to Be Friends with Someone Who Attempted Suicide

Sources and Citations

 * http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/worries/suicide.html
 * https://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=83370