Cope After a Confrontational Situation Where You Didn't Hold Your Ground

For those of us with major self-esteem issues, even for those of unlearning bad habits and trying hard to move on in more self-aware and other-connecting ways, verbal confrontation can cause us to hit a road bump that sets us back seriously in our estimation of our own capacity to cope with relating to others in effective and satisfying ways. What do you do after falling apart or overreacting in a confrontational situation? Here's how to Cope with it in a few easy steps.

Steps

 * 1) Protect yourself. If you feel the tears, the anger, the expletives, the crumpling, whatever weakness overcoming you, it is time to back out of the verbal confrontation. (If fists are involved, you are in a fight; that is quite something else, see different help articles for that). Tell the person/people in the confrontational situation that you are finding it overwhelming and that you need to take time to think and you'll get back to them. Bow out as gracefully as you can, although it is probable that that won't have happened or you wouldn't be seeking for help on coping.
 * 2) Get back to your home or office safely. If you are angry, upset, not thinking straight, etc., avoid driving, or doing anything that might compromise your safety. Your concentration levels are probably as low as they can be. If you are supposed to keep working around people, either shut your door, or see if you can get early leave for the day.
 * 3) Do not magnify the situation. Although tears, clenched fists, bawling, shouting, screaming, and hair-tearing are often normal reactions when you are self-esteem challenged and the verbal confrontation turned out badly for you, these actions do not fix your feelings, and only magnify your pain. Instead, here is a little trick: Write out the confrontational situation, as much as you can remember of it, word for word. Rearrange it as needed (an upset mind can lead to you writing the information haphazardly and that's OK, provided you go back and put it in order later.)
 * 4) Review your written account. Instead of focusing on negatives that you did, start some objective analysis of what they said. You should have calmed down a fair bit by now (the writing does that), but if you haven't, have a break with a cup of something and come back a little later. Look for their assumptions/allegations/accusations etc. and match them with yours - this will help you see that they got the wrong end of that stick at times too. So stop beating yourself with it. The writing does several things: It forces you to be more factual about the event but it also allows you to express your feelings of it; as well, it forces you to try and see what motivators drove their part of the verbal confrontation. If your written account hasn't achieved this, go back and do it again.
 * 5) Learn from your past error. This is the part where you learn the habits that caused you to not "hold your ground". Again, using your writing account, identify the parts where you felt intimidated, shy, awkward, lost for words etc. What are the triggers? And most important, what are some good reactions that you could have used, that you will use next time this sort of confrontational situation comes up for you?

Tips

 * Take a hot or cold shower, have a change of clothes, and pop a round of the clothes you were wearing through the washing machine; these are all good methods to distract yourself and make a break from the painful situation. Make a meal. Phone a friend. Tomorrow will make it seem much smaller and you will be in a better place to work out whether it is worth pursuing or forgetting.

Related Tips and Steps

 * Develop Self Esteem
 * Be Assertive
 * Have Willpower
 * Stand Up for Something You Believe In
 * Be Strong