Stop Being Needy

Have you ever been described as needy or clingy? Do you get so excited about a new friendship or relationship that you bombard the other person with attention, only to find that they distance themselves from you? Do you find yourself wanting to call, text, or e-mail someone a whole lot more than they contact you? If so, you've probably figured out that neediness is a turn-off to most people--where's it coming from and how do you get rid of it?

Steps

 * 1) Slow down! Every relationship develops at its own pace--don't fast forward to being "soulmates" or "best friends forever" just because things feel great. Cherish the novelty of it all, and the excitement of having something new, because it'll never be new again. It can be nerve-wracking not knowing how a certain connection is going to unfold, but it's also exciting. Be patient and learn to savor that excitement. Don't try and push the connection into a stage that it's not ready for.
 * 2) Take off the rose-tinted glasses. Part of the reason we get disproportionately excited sometimes is because we tend to "idealize" a person in the very beginning. When you first meet someone who you have a connection with, it's so easy to get lost in fantasies of how awesome your friendship or relationship might be, but with those fantasies come high expectations, and sometimes those expectations are unrealistic! Make it a point to remind yourself that this new person is human, which means they're not perfect. They will make mistakes, and you need to be ready to cope and forgive, rather than act shocked that the person dares to be anything but perfect.
 * 3) Practice quid pro quo (a Latin phrase for "this for that"). Imagine your interaction with this person is like a tennis or volleyball game. Every time you initiate contact, your throw the ball to their side of the court. Then, you have to wait for them to send it back. You don't toss a whole bunch more just to make sure he or she is still interested in playing. If you're a little on the needy side, you probably get nervous and worried while you're waiting. When this happens, take a deep breath. If you've already gotten in touch with someone (sent them an e-mail or text message, or gave them a call and left a voice message) there's no need to do it again. Whenever you do get the urge to contact them again, remember that there are only a few possibilities here:
 * 4) *They haven't had a chance to respond. Either they didn't get your message yet, or they've been too busy or preoccupied to get back to you. If you trust this person, then you have to give him or her the benefit of the doubt and assume this is the case. Give them time to get back to you. If it becomes a pattern, though, consider these two other possibilities:
 * 5) *The person is fickle. Some people just aren't good about maintaining a friendship or relationship; sometimes they're lazy, sometimes they're forgetful. If you suspect this is the case...like if they always say they're going to call you back by such and such time and they never do, and this has happened several times, confront them about it using nonviolent communication. If the pattern doesn't change, you need to either walk away from them, or accept that they might never change, and you'll be forever locked into the role of "nag".
 * 6) *They just aren't interested. It happens sometimes, for a variety of reasons, but one thing is for sure--showering them with more attention will never change their mind. Persistence is not the answer! Pulling away may be their way of jumping ship without confronting you; any prodding from you won't change the way they feel, and deep down inside, you know that. If someone doesn't have the decency to respond, they're not worth your time--you deserve better than that.
 * 7) Get busy doing other things. People who are busy simply don't have enough time to be needy; they're always preoccupied with other things, and guess what? Those other things often make those people more interesting friends and romantic partners. If you have nothing better to do than to wait for someone to call or write back, then you're probably bored (and you know what they say - if you're bored, you're boring). So what are you waiting for? Go volunteer. Learn to dance. Go for a run. Learn to oil paint. Join a club. Put yourself out there, apply yourself, and have fun! All your worries will fall away, and if and when the person gets in touch, it'll be a delightful surprise, not a frantic relief!
 * 8) Fill the gap. Odds are, if you struggle with neediness, you're probably a little lacking in the self-esteem department. You might be looking for someone to make you feel better about yourself, but the fact is that you are the only person who can really do that. You shouldn't base your happiness on someone else. Sure, it's okay for someone to make you happy, but if they're your only source of happiness, you might become angry or sad whenever they're not around, and that can be very demanding for the other person! It makes them feel guilty, obligated and eventually, resentful towards you. One way to get rid of neediness is to prove to yourself that you don't need anyone by doing things by yourself, or being single, for an extended period of time, until you feel confident, like you want a best friend or significant other, but you definitely don't need them.
 * 9) Learn to trust. Once you sort out what's going on inside, you can deal with any issues you might have in relating to other people. Neediness is often associated with a shortage of trust, and sometimes a fear of abandonment. When you find yourself doubting someone's feelings for you, or their loyalty, ask yourself why you don't trust them. Is it because they did something questionable? Or is it because someone in your past hurt you, and now you think this new person is going to do the same thing? If it's the latter, then remind yourself that it's not really fair to judge one person by another person's actions, is it? If you really care for this person, and they've earned your trust, give it to them.

Tips

 * Value yourself! You are wasting your precious time in life by being needy. Learn self-control. You can do it.

Warnings

 * Neediness can be a vicious cycle. You seek attention, the person gets spooked and pushes you away, you feel worse about yourself, and you're even needier the next time around.

Related Tips and Steps

 * How to Tame a Free Spirit
 * How to Avoid Being an Obsessive Girlfriend
 * How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
 * How to Not Be Annoying