How to Discipline a Teenager

It must be frustrating sometimes when your child does not listen to you, or does things you find to be undesirable. However, imagine how your child feels, especially in their teenage years, which can be filled with angst. Children do not always intentionally get on our nerves or push our limits. Children are growing, they are figuring out the world and their purpose in it. Love, support, and discipline from a parent will move worlds for your child. Below are the steps for effective discipline. REMEMBER, discipline is NOT the same as punishment. Punishment only temporarily stops the undesired behavior, and reinforces rebellious behavior.

Steps

 * 1) First ask your child if now is a good time to talk. They will most likely say yes, however if they do say, "Not right now", or your child says something like, "When I finish this chapter", or, "When I reach a saving point in the game", it is important to honor their request just as you'd like someone to honor a similar request made from you. Let your child know that when they're ready to speak, you will be in the kitchen, family room, etc. If you want respect given to you, it is important to respect all people regardless of their age. Respect is not owed, it is earned.
 * 2) After your child has come to you to speak with you, or your child has already agreed to talk on your first request, go some place comfortable and neutral for both of you. The following is a practical example of a conversation between parent and child:  The situation: Your teenage son always antagonizes his brother, and this evening before dinner he lost control and smacked his brother in the face. You are busy cooking dinner and want a quick and effective way to handle the situation. You run into their room and consider punishment, however you realize that a better way to handle it is:  REMEMBER: It is important to start off with acknowledging the feelings of the child. In this situation, acknowledge the feelings of the victim.  Younger Brother: Dan just smacked me across the face!  Older Brother: No I didn't he's lying! Younger Brother: Am not! Parent (to younger brother): It really hurts to get hit doesn't it? Younger Brother: Yeah my face hurts! Parent: You wish your brother would be able to speak to you without him hitting you? Younger Brother: Yeah he's so mean! Parent: I know your brother is also capable of being nice. I also know that you and you're brother are capable of coming up with a solution to this problem. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me. 
 * 3) DO NOT bring up the situation again. They will most likely come to you and let you know their solution. IF they don't let you know their solution, let it go. If the solution works you will find out.
 * 4) If the solution they come up with doesn't work or they relapse to the same behavior, it is time for a family discussion. Let your children know in either a playful way by leaving a note "Family Meeting 9:00PM. Be There, or Be Square!" Or send them a text with the same thing. Or simply let them know, "there will be a family meeting at 9:00 tonight, I expect you to be there."
 * 5) Once the family meeting has started, start off with something like, "It's great to see you all here" or add a little bit of humor and say, "I suppose you're all wondering why I've gathered you here..." Bring up the issue to be discussed.  Parent: So it's come to my attention that we have a problem. Does anyone know what that might be? (Give time for them to think and answer. If no answer then continue) The problem is that people keep getting hit. It really upsets me when my children get hurt. Younger Brother: I agree. *points to brother* He keeps hitting me! Parent: I'm not interested in who keeps hitting who, I am interested in solving this problem. Younger Brother: Okay Parent: So let's make a list, okay? *Writes: "How To Use Words Instead of Hitting."* Okay Dan I know you have some ideas. Older Brother: Scream at him when I'm mad Parent: Okay. *Writes and speaks, "Scream at him when I'm mad"* (it is important to not immediately say no to an idea, or your child will lose interest in the problem solving activity)
 * 6) Once all ideas are written down, then you can go back through each idea, together, and decide which ones will work, and which will not. Everybody gets a turn to speak.  Once a solution(s) is decided, say something like, "There we go! We figured it out together! We're pretty good at this!"
 * 7) Now it is time to define, NOT create, the consequences, which are NOT punishments Parent: Okay so we figured out the solution. I expect us all to follow it. However if one of use slips up and hits another, what should the consequences be?  Younger Brother: Hesitantly asks, "we should get spanked….?" Parent: Okay. Write down, "Should get spanked"
 * 8) Once all ideas for consequences are written down, go back through and decide which ones will work and which will not. Everybody gets a turn to speak.   Parent: It upsets me when my children get hurt, so let's cross off spanking from the list. Older Brother: And I don't want to lose my phone, let's cross that off. Parent: Well how else will you learn unless something is taken away? Older Brother: I can write an apology to my brother. Parent: Okay that works for me. Younger Brother: Works for me too. Parent: Okay. *Writes, "apology to whoever got hit"
 * 9) All actions have natural consequences, however, a punishment is NOT a consequence. Children are much more inclined to follow rules and acknowledge consequences if they helped in the creation of them.
 * 10) If over time the solution doesn't work and your children's behavior relapses, it is time for another family meeting and problem solving session. REMEMBER: Not all solutions last forever! It would be hypocritical of us as parents to hold our children to a standard we ourselves cannot accomplish.

Tips

 * NOT using punishment as a way to correct behavior DOES NOT mean you let children get away with things. 
 * When you feel like you're about to lose your temper, let your children know! "I am so mad right now I'm about to lose my temper! Revert to a safe distance of at least 100 m!" 
 * Changing your style of parenting is very difficult. However it is a FACT that punishment and corporal punishment negatively affect children in many, many, ways.
 * Again, changing your style of parenting is not going to be easy, though I KNOW you have it in you to change to better your family relations and have a happier overall family.

Warnings

 * DO NOT ever blame your children for how you are feeling. This will cause them to have poor moral internalization.
 * DO NOT ever blame a child for an action.
 * DO NOT SAY, "Look what you did you little brat. You broke the vase!" 
 * DO SAY, "I am so mad right now! That was my favorite vase! There is a broom in the closet." They will understand they need to clean it up, and THAT is a natural consequence of their action. Let them figure out a way to make amends with you.
 * NEVER force a child to say sorry if they are not. Being forced to apologize for something is not a good feeling.

Related Tips and Steps

 * How to Parent Effectively
 * How to Organize Kids for Back To School
 * How to Be Consistent in Parenting Teens
 * How to Discipline a Child Effectively Without Spanking

Sources and Citations

 * http://www.humanium.org/en/child-rights/
 * http://stopspanking.org/research/
 * http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/22_alternatives.html
 * http://www.jennifermcgrail.com/2011/04/gentle-discipline-so-what-do-you-do/
 * http://wellbeingforschools.com/freevideos
 * http://www.humanium.org/en/fundamental-rights/
 * http://www.fabermazlish.com/publications.php
 * How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, And Listen So Kids Will Talk - Elaine Mazlish & Adele Faber