Identify Being a Narcissistic Extension

Narcissism is a complex and often misunderstood character disorder.

Less attention has been paid to the person who supplies what the narcissistic need. This person is known as a narcissistic extension, and can suffer tremendous trauma and abuse while feeling blameworthy. It is a difficult dilemma to solve, and is often perpetuated in adult relationships when children have had narcissistic parents, and less so, parents who act as narcissistic extensions. This article discusses the role of the narcisstic extension, and its development, and how people who are narcisstic extensions, like narcissists, "see" what is not there, but, unlike narcissists, blame themselves for this, and the resulting relationship and familial problems.

Steps

 * 1) Know what narcissism really is. Narcissism is a character disorder which causes the narcissist to "look outward" for a view that will reflect him as wonderful. Rather than having good self-esteem, the narcissist lacks it, and feels empty, and therefore must gain his pseudo-"self-esteem" from others--external sources--family, friends, lovers, workmates and children. Success is measured by over-evaluation of one's achievements, and by more concrete examples that seem to "prove" the erroneous achievement: money; praise; status; promotion; being liked; being powerful; being overly nice, etc. Objectification of people mirrors their objective to show themselves as having "objects" that conventionally define success. They desire the best, and are perfectionists.  Their perfectionism derives from their internal, sublimated sense of worthlessness, envy and shame. Everything is, in essence, reduced to an object for the narcissistic, and some work together quite usefully: i.e. a wealthy partner; a good physique in yourself or in another (partner). These objects are known as "supplies" which the narcissistic feeds off of and ultimately drains of their own self-worth.
 * 2) Analyze your behavior around the narcissist. Do you tend to pay more attention to their needs than to your own? Many people assume the role of a narcissistic extension, which means they are used, or allow themselves to be used, as a supply to keep the other person "on track", or in control, or feeling okay. Often the person who extends the narcissist does not recognise what is happening as the narcissist uses (unconsciously or consciously) strategies that trick the narcissistic extension into believing they have certain invaluable traits. They can be excessively loving, due to their need for a supply of love, but their needs overtakes any real love, and the extension is simply that, a part of the narcissist, not a full human being.
 * 3) Think outside the box. Don't compare yourself to the stereotypical narcissistic extension; narcissistic extensions do not always serve as the trophy wife for the well-paid executive. They are more often targeted by the narcissistic for traits that the narcissistic (possibly reflexively) realises he can manipulate. He thus always plays a game with his potential partner, turning them gradually from the beloved, elevated "person of their dreams" into an object who is debased, wanting and "not good enough." That is because the extension can never fulfill the ever-empty hole inside, and his need to feel whole always requires more and more.
 * 4) Understand that the narcissist often makes use of some psychological games to get what they want. At the same time, they never succeed in their never-ending quest of new ways to demonstrate themselves they're worth something. Thus material acquisitions or new people (or both) become necessary after a shorter or longer time, or at a time of insecurity, especially work and family problems, and particularly if the extension stops playing his or her inculcated role. The narcissist finds it exceedingly easy to devalue one previously "adored" narcissistic extension, and replace him or her with someone he ranks higher. This ranking is not rational, as it is the thrill of the new and exciting that keeps him from feeling empty and addressing his own weaknesses. He would rather move on, and, in a way, that is good for the narcissistic extension. Once that often benign, even banal person has exited (often callously; cruelly; deserting, etc, contradicting the entire positive "spin" he used to trap his "victim."), the next one will inevitably fall into the trap.
 * 5) Be careful and use your intuition. It is not easy to spot a narcissist, as mentioned, as they can equally be "Mr Nice Guy" as "Mr 'I am.' The signs are subtle, but one guiding rule is trust your immediate intuition, and do not believe his or her words, focus entirely on their actions.
 * 6) Know that the narcissist can leave you at the very moment you stop making them feel important. No surprise when you know, but when you don't it is a huge and traumatic shock, the guy leaves, usually without warning or explanation, or with lies, and has another person waiting in the wings: girls too, of course, not just men. And if asked, about their professions of love, they'll shrug it off: "I meant it at the time." Just like he means it at the time this time, but is deluded (to a greater or lesser degree and really believes this is it--the perfect love which will complete me) by his insatiable needs.
 * 7) Be strong and patient with yourself. It often takes the person who has played the role of narcissistic extension (which does not necessarily mean boosting the narcissistic partner's self-esteem, though it may include that or being critical but engaged with the person. If there is withdrawal, the narcissistic panics and runs) some time to recover from the shock of being dumped. He or she may also go through a normal "bad patch" but cannot bear the feelings that arise, so he finds, easily enough, some other to fill the place before he or she has a chance to feel empty. The narcissistic extension is in shock, and goes through the stages of grief. The poignant and problematical issue is that the narcissistic extension is grieving for what never was, and this means that it over takes longer to get over the relationship. They have to "miss" out twice, in a sense, while their ex does not grieve, and just moves on, until, perhaps, one day, he exhausts all avenues and has to face himself, but, by now, he is metaphorically "unseen" and unknowable to his or her non-self.
 * 8) Heal your wounds and rise again, liberated from that person's negative influence on you. The narcissistic extension does his or her grief work and the grief work of the other, and then has to accept that the person never cared about him or her, or loved, as he or she, being a narcissist substitutes "other supplies" for love, and must come to terms her life with that person was a lie. It is difficult and painful work but it is work that eventually enables growth and the reintegration of the extension as an "I," the antithesis of narcissistic and a person of true empathy and compassion. So, if you identify yourself playing this role, recognise it, do something, go through the harsh grief and recognition of the truth, and know that you will be a happier and healthier person who knows they can and do love.

Tips

 * Don't think narcissists are one type.
 * Trust your first instincts and intuition
 * Beware of quick professions of love
 * Be very wary of excessive expressions of love, in words. Look at deeds.
 * Do not take their word for anything. They have an unparalleled ability to lie to your face, even if evidence is right there. They will rationalise and make up excuses: they garner their skills to talk-the-talk when under pressure.
 * Don't ever take them back a second-time. They will do it again.
 * Therapy is a resort but is time-consuming and does not have, as yet, great outcomes, although some psychoanalytic techniques that can bypass the narcissistic tactics are being used, but should be handled by a professional.
 * Though you may feel bad, you will feel better than before, once it's over.
 * Grieve, believe the truth, that it was not a real relationship, and move on.
 * Work on your own wants and needs before others.

Warnings

 * The most important warning is not to rebound from such a relationship. Your vulnerability will be even higher than usual, and is like a beacon to a narcissist. The worst thing you can do is look, like the narcissist does, but not pathologically as they do, for someone to fill the empty space, that, if you really look at it, was always niggling you in the so-called relationship.  Fulfill yourself, and wait.
 * You will find love; you are lovable.
 * There are numerous articles available on the web, including Sam Vaknin, Malignant Narcissism, which has good extracts and the book can be bought; numerous popular psychology books available, but one of the best articles on the condition is in Nancy McWilliams, PhD, Psychotherapeutic Techniques. It is clear, concise, explores the complexities, and talks about both the arguments within psychoanalysis, and specific psychoanalytic techniques for the advanced clinician.

Related Tips and Steps

 * How to Overcome Personal Prejudice
 * How to Overcome Feelings of Guilt
 * How to Stop Getting Discouraged
 * How to Stop Breaking Promises