Communicate Better in a Relationship

We hear it all the time on chat shows, help shows, on the radio, and there are thousands of books on the subject - we need to communicate better, especially in our closest relationships! Just how do you get your point across more clearly though? Do you find yourself yelling or getting angry when your partner fails to "just know" what you need? Or perhaps you clam up entirely? Contrary to what you may have thought, your partner isn't just magically going to be able to "figure out" what it is you want or need. The real secret to effective communication between couples is that you will need to put some effort into this. This article provides a little help to get you started.

Steps

 * 1)  Practice intercourse. In today's vernacular, that usually means physical bedroom activity, but the root of the word and the actual intent of the word is to interact on a deeper level. Intimacy and intercourse are words that have changed dramatically, and lost their meaning. To be intimate has a broader meaning than to be physical. It is to see into you, which means to try to empty your mind as you would empty a cup so that you can put something into it. What you want to put into it is what your partner is trying to contribute to the conversation, be it words, body language, or action.
 * 2)  Learn and pay attention to the other person's clues. If you ask if something bothers her/him and the answer is no, but s/he is closed, not talking, legs together, arms across her/his body, it's obvious that s/he is closed off and actually is bothered. You are getting mixed messages. Try to talk it out. Let her/him know that you are confused or uncomfortable with mixed messages. Tell her that s/he is important to you, and that s/he can talk to you.
 * 3)  [[Image:365) Nine in the Afternoon 3504.jpg|170px|thumb|All this in my head - surely he can see it?!|right]]   Learn to say what you mean. There are tons of jokes about this: "When she says 'this' she really means 'this...",  "What he's really trying to tell you is...". Those jokes tend to be funny because they tend to be true.  It sounds quite silly when you think about it, doesn't it? Sometimes we just expect that our partner should understand our hidden meanings, but wishing or relying on this isn't fair at all on our part. Learning to be direct - especially when you've already dropped some hints that seemed to go unnoticed - is the first step in meaningful communication between two people.
 * 4) [[Image:Angry Luver 702.jpg|thumb|170px|No! I'm fed up going out!|right]]  Learn to say what you want in a way your partner can really understand. Telling him that you "feel off" when you really mean that you just don't want to face all those people after a tough week at work will not make him want to go to his buddy's party less. Instead, saying "I'm not in a party mood tonight" is a good start. It tells him exactly what's going on. By the same token, if you're the guy sullenly saying, "Okay", and then going and slumping in a chair when you really mean "I'm going to make you sorry for making me miss this party by acting like a sullen jerk for the rest of the weekend" is not healthy. Instead, try: "Babe, I'm sorry you're not really feeling it, but I really would like to go. Could we go if I promise we'll leave by 10?" If you say this, though, you'd better be prepared to leave cheerfully, because you can bet she'll be counting the minutes.  And Babe - if you agree to go and stay until 10, go just as cheerfully.  It's not fair to go and then proceed to have a crummy time (and be sullen and angry that you went).
 * 5) [[Image:Laura 3418.jpg|170px|thumb|You always have to have your own way!|right]] Try to put yourself in your partner's place. Instead of thinking about how selfish s/he is, try to think about how s/he is really feeling: Is s/he usually selfish? Do you find yourself canceling your plans in favor of hers all the time? Do you find yourself always doing what he wants to do, and never doing what you want to do? If you're very honest, it's likely you'll find there has always been some kind of give and take, and your partner isn't really a selfish jerk all the time after all. Instead of yelling about how you've just spent 4 hours cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry, and cooking for him, try the following when your partner tells you he is too tired to mow the lawn because his workweek was just too hairy:
 * 6) *Sit down and say, "Wow, it was that rough? Have I told you lately how much I appreciate how hard you work? Can I bring you some tea or a sandwich? Relax. The grass will still be there tomorrow."  He may be so shocked and grateful that you understand how tired he is that he will make an extra effort to get it done tomorrow. One day will not bring about a disaster.
 * 7) [[Image:365 Fed up 7461.jpg|170px|thumb|Oh, here she goes again...|right]] Give your partner the benefit of any doubt you may have. If she says something bitchy, is it just a result of her feeling tired? Is it because she isn't feeling well? Is it because of someone at work? If he grunts without answering you, is it really because he's simply not cooperating? Or is it because he doesn't know how to say something, he's trying to protect your feelings? Instead of instantly thinking that he or she is just not making an effort, try to think of ways to help your partner express him or herself. Rather than sniping or becoming impatient, try something along the lines of the following conversation:
 * 8) * "I'm trying to understand, sweetie, but I'm not getting there. Am I doing something to upset you?"  "No."  "Is someone else doing something to upset you?"  "No."  "Are you just upset?"  "Yes."  "With me?"  "No.  Not really."  You're narrowing it down. It seems like a lot of effort, but it may be worth it in the end.
 * 9) * Following the above example, once you've gotten it narrowed down to where you realize it isn't you s/he's upset with, try saying, "Is it anything I can help with?" If the answer is still no, then leave it be.  It isn't about you, it's something your partner is wrestling internally with.  As long as this isn't habitual, try to allow your partner to handle this problem without your intervention or badgering.
 * 10) [[Image:Bored Couple 3565.jpg|170px|thumb|Enough already! I'm not budging!|right]]  Don't play games. Exchanges like the above are only helpful if there's honestly something blocking your ability to come out with it. If you're just acting like a petulant child in order to gain sympathy, or to get your partner to pay attention to you, it won't last long, and after a short while, it will become very tiresome.  Expecting your partner to guess at what is bothering you is a relationship killer. Believe that.
 * 11) [[Image:Angryattheworld.png|thumb|170px|You're so not listening|right]] When you understand the communication, respect it. If you blow it off, you're really telling your partner that what s/he wants doesn't matter to you at all. For example, if your partner is able to come out and say, "We're not having enough sex to suit me," then you need to address that. Saying "Okay," and then not increasing the frequency or quality of sex with him will only tell him that you don't really care what he wants. If there's a reason you want less sex, say so, and see if there is a mutually acceptable resolution.
 * 12) [[Image:Old boring married couple 1018.jpg|thumb|170px|Today we swim, tomorrow we ski!|right]]  Be prepared to find compromises. Some communications are non-negotiable: I want children and you don't. No real way to compromise there. Getting pregnant anyhow is no solution. But if a compromise is available, try to find it (fostering children for short durations, "borrowing" nephews and nieces for outings, etc.).
 * 13) * Example: Erin would like to go and play tennis with girlfriends on Friday evenings, while Nick is just wiped out and would prefer to spend quiet Fridays watching a movie. Erin loves her "girl time," but Nick really wants to be home. Nick tells Erin that it's a deal-breaker - either she makes plans to spend Fridays with him, or it's not going to work for him. Erin asks why he's making such a huge deal of this - it's one night of the week, and it leaves the whole weekend open for them to have couple-time. Finally, Nick admits that he feels like Erin chooses her girlfriends over him too much of the time, and he now wants to force the issue. Erin mulls it over and finally confesses that maybe she has put Nick's wants on a back burner in favor of her friends. Erin proposes a compromise: Every other Friday, she will play tennis and have girls night out with her pals. The odd Fridays, she and Nick will stay in. If Nick wants, he can ask his buddy over on the weeks Erin is out with the girls. It's a good trade, because Erin doesn't get along with that buddy as well as Nick would like. This gives Nick something to occupy that lonely Friday, and gives Erin a chance to bond with her gal pals. They both get something good out of the deal, and at the end of the day, both feel like they understand one another a little better.
 * 14) [[Image:Whaddya say, Frannie Who cares if everyone else here is dull and boring let's dance! 1949.jpg|170px|thumb|Yeah, let's dance, right here!|right]] Lighten up. Find time together to just have fun again. If things have become so serious that you've forgotten how to communicate and share what really matters to the both of you, it's time for a break from the seriousness and a walk on the fun side. Do things that both of you really enjoy, including the unexpected. Dive into new things together and reawaken a sense of wonder.

Tips

 * Try not to get defensive. Watch for body language in yourself and your partner - crossed arms and legs, etc. If you notice this in your partner, try to open him up - physically touching him, and unfolding his arms, then holding his hands as you listen to him can make him feel more relaxed and open. By the same token, if you notice yourself tensing up, make a forcible attempt to relax that posture and open yourself up more.

Related Tips and Steps
comunicarse mejor en una relación
 * How to Communicate Effectively
 * How to Communicate With Younger People
 * How to Communicate in an Assertive Manner
 * How to Communicate Feelings Without Self Harm