The Unique Dynamics of Adult Stepfamilies

STEP WARS--The Unique Dynamics of Adult Stepfamilies  by Yvonne Kelly						in Family    (submitted 2008-10-01) The dynamics of stepfamilies are at their most powerful and toxic when they're what we least expect, and I feel the trap that many parents fall into is EXPECTING that their children are going to be nothing but happy for them once they discover that special someone later in life.

Besides, they've already spent the better part of their adult life sacrificing for their children--who could possibly begrudge them happiness in the latter years of life, or even in the middle years? Well, adult stepchildren that's who.

And there are some intriguing and some remarkably understandable explanations why, when we really look at it. Two things that adult stepchildren are giving up when a parent re-partners include:

1.) Their idealized view of the future and family mom and dad, now grandma and grandpa, at home together just waiting for a visit from the grandchildren. They didn't want or expect to see strangers in this place--ie. stepparents - that they will barely have the time to get acquainted with because they are adults now and times together are limited to visits and telephone calls.

2.) It may seem petty and materialistic, but one of the concerns of adult children in step-families is their inheritance. Who will share in it? How do things stand to change now that a parent has a new spouse, and possibly new stepchildren? Or heaven forbid, new children of their own, if they decide to have children together. Its all a bit much to take in but one thing is for certain, adult children are having to struggle with this today on a fairly regular basis and it doesn't happen without disappointment, bewilderment, anger and discord.

And then there is the reality of the adults who are remarrying. Some have waited until their children are grown to re-partner, while others are attempting to move beyond a more recent loss in their life divorce or death. Either way, they have survived a major loss and when they discover a new and suitable companion, most say they are feeling so fortunate to have another chance at love and life. The last thing they anticipate is that not everyone will share their joy and excitement.

There is a tremendous need for Gabe and Lipman-Blumens book StepWars. It takes an analytical and fair look at each persons role and position in adult stepfamilies and what is at stake for them that creates the discord, misunderstanding and pain that ultimately can occur. This is a work that confronts the tough questions that everyone in adult stepfamilies is asking. With chapter titles like "The Wedding: Here Comes the Bride, Here Comes the Complexity" and "My Inheritance: Great Expectations Gone with the Wind" you can depend on hearing the truth about what real people are going through in stepfamilies today and what the experts are saying are ways of addressing these issues and working toward understanding and resolution. About the Author Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, writes regularly for www.Blended-Families.com. Sign up for their free step parenting tips newsletter.