Overcome a Fear of Sex

No matter who you are, sex can be a very scary thing, especially if it's your very first time. Here are some tips to overcome your fear and become more comfortable in a sexual relationship.

Steps

 * 1) Get to know the person you're thinking of having sexual relations with. Know their intentions. Make it clear whether you will be emotionaly involved or if it is just a fling. If your feelings do change, tell your partner.
 * 2)  '''Discuss with them any fears of having sexual relations. Try to have the person understand your feelings and your fears.
 * 3)  Find a comfortable setting. Overcoming your fear takes time and requires a comfortable, relaxing environment.
 * 4)  Take it slow. With your partner in the comfortable setting of your choice, try to slowly approach the situation.
 * 5)  Start with kissing and holding hands, next move into deeper kissing. If you feel you're starting to get uncomfortable again, pull back a little or let your partner know.
 * 6)  The next time, you could try touching each others bodies over your clothing and get used to your bodies together.
 * 7)  Another time, when you are ready, try being naked with each other. This part could take a while getting used to, but remember to relax and enjoy your partner's company. Next, try touching and exploring each other's bodies. It's all about taking it slow and helping you become comfortable.
 * 8)  After the naked touching, try lying down comfortably together and talk about the ways you felt during the touching. Letting your partner know how you felt during different parts is very helpful. Unknowingly, a good sound could come out of your mouth but deep down you may feel a bit uncomfortable at a gesture.  Let your partner know about it to be sure that you won't feel like that again or he/she can help you get used to feeling it, but still taking into consideration your feelings.
 * 9) * If you only get as far as touching each others bodies through clothing or even just kissing deeply, don't worry about it. There's nothing wrong with just a few times of that.  Just try to move onto the next step as soon as you feel you're able to. There's no pressure or fixed timetable.
 * 10)  Once you've gotten used to the touching, try more intimate touching and try experimenting with each other, but of course within reason. Tell your partner, so you could go first, touch them a bit and try to please them a bit.  Even if you don't go all out, just get used to touching them. Have them touch you next, try not to be nervous, sit back against the pillows and take deep breaths, and your partner should be able to tell if you're uneasy.
 * 11)  Giving each other massages is a common way to give attention and pleasure to one's partner without engaging in strictly sexual touching.
 * 12)  Sex is not necessarily just about intercourse.  You may not want to engage in intercourse until much later with your partner.  You may want to wait until marriage to experience intercourse.  However, you can still be intimate with your partner through manual and/or oral sex techniques.

Tips

 * Make time to explore your feelings regarding sexual relations. Don't try to overcome your fear within a busy schedule.
 * Try to limit as many distractions as you can, turn off the television and stereo. It will help you focus and relax.
 * Don't be afraid to share your feelings with your partner, if you like something they do, let them know.
 * Be fully alert. Don't try to overcome your fear and go into sexual relations with your awareness impaired.
 * Practice safe sex. Wear a condom or any other safe sex device and be aware of any present signs of STDs on the partner's body.
 * Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathing is the most helpful in everything sex related. If you feel even slightly uneasy, take a deep breath and try to relax.
 * If during any touching from your partner you begin to feel uncomfortable, try to grab his/her hand and squeeze tightly while taking deep breaths, this will be a simple way of letting him/her know that you're feeling some discomfort and that they should either slow down or stop for a moment to allow you to relax.
 * Sometimes you could feel dizzy or nauseated from the fright of being so intimate with someone, it's okay; get up, tell your partner you're feeling unwell and go to the bathroom, try to relax, breathing as always. If you feel dizzy, try sitting back against a counter or sitting on the floor to keep from falling too quickly. Your partner might be as supportive as always and come and sit next to you in the bathroom in case you begin to feel ill, that is always helpful.
 * Let your partner understand the extent of your fear. If it's to the point where you'd burst into tears if it crosses your mind, or you start to feel light headed quickly, let your partner know beforehand so that he/she would be able to be more careful and can discuss a way with you in which to handle the situation. (For example; if you start crying, do you want him/her to comfort you while close like hugging or something, or would you prefer it if he/she kept their hands off you for the time?)
 * If the reason you fear sex is because of sexual abuse or rape, be sure to discuss the events with your partner some time before you start deep intimacy; your partner might be able to realize something that you wouldn't have(like something that could make you uncomfortable, that you never thought about).
 * Introduce playfulness and humor, but make it clear that you are not laughing at your partner. This calm and relaxes the situation a bit.
 * If your partner is trying to overcome a fear of sex and some intimate touching has already taken place, playful and obvious ruses such as "I'm going to take a shower - care to join me?" may give them an entertaining 'excuse' to explore your body in ways they weren't sure you would appreciate.

Warnings

 * Don't let the other partner talk you into having sexual relations if you're not ready. You'll feel very awkward in the act and will regret your experience later.
 * Make sure your partner understands the word NO! Don't feel guilty for not wanting to have sex. If he/she really wants to be with you he/she will respect your wishes.
 * Be very careful about people who try to force you into it or keep guilting you about it. If you feel that the person is going to physically force you into it, talk to someone about it and let them know about the situation.
 * Don't let them talk you into anything that makes you uncomfortable, if they have no regard for your feelings, then this person isn't right for you to help overcome your fear.
 * If your partner doesn't even try to comfort you when you're struggling to cope with something new, he/she isn't worth it so try to find someone who will be more helpful.
 * Forcing yourself to do things for the sake of a relationship isn't good, you'll just make yourself more miserable and make things more difficult for the future.
 * Tears can spring into your eyes at any point, don't be uncomfortable to show them to your partner.

Related Tips and Steps

 * How to Overcome the Fear of Marriage
 * How to Know if You Are Ready to Have Sex
 * How to Give Each Other Space
 * How to Understand Your Emotions
 * How to Look Sexy
 * How to Discuss Sex with Your Child