Step-Family Survival

Congratulations! After years of emotional anguish and heartache, you have endured the break-up of your marriage, suffered the humiliations and disappointments of dating and have had the good fortune to find the person of your dreams.

You've made the complicated decision to remarry and are about to embark on the blissful path blending two families together.

I know. You and your spouse envision a new life that will rival the Brady Bunch, and you have all the answers. I'm not saying that I doubt your capabilities for even a second. But if you will indulge me for a brief instant, I'd like to share ten surefire ways that will absolutely guarantee that your blended family will not gel!

1. You have found the person of your dreams. You want to shout out your good fortune for all the world to hear! Insist that your children be equally joyful. Remind them regularly how lucky they are that they have a new family. After all, two families are better than one, right?

2. Immediately immerse both families in joint activities. Tell them that it's not a good idea for the children to have any alone time with their own parent because it will delay their adjustment to the blended family. Tell them it's ridiculous if they have any complaints about having to include these people in their lives. After all, you made the choice to get married and you know what's best for them. Insist they will get used to this.

3. It's obvious when you blend two sets of different people that they often have two very different points of view. While it's insensitive to make fun of the others, you and yours can certainly set the record straight that your way is superior.

4. It is very likely that all the kids got away with murder while their parents were preoccupied with their divorces and building their social lives. Now is the time to enforce rigid, heavy duty rules and demands. It is okay for you to be the disciplinarian of your new step-children. Loudly show them who's boss from the get-go. These kids have to know you mean business. If they throw out the tired line that you are not their real parent, they should be chastised and grounded.

5. Make it clear that your new spouse has many attributes far superior to your ex-spouse. Although you know better than to blatantly voice complaints about your ex, you and your beloved should be able to roll your eyes and exchange knowing looks to get the message across that their other parent is a loser.

6. Speaking of your ex, of course you can expect him/her to be graciously thrilled for your happiness. It's only right then, to expect them to accommodate their lives and schedules to make your lives easier.

7. Your children undoubtably witnessed you and your ex at an unhappy time in your lives. Now is the time to show them the role model of a loving couple. Of course, sordidly provocative behavior is totally out of line, but what's the harm of showing the kids how loving and affectionate you are, with lingering kisses and playful pats on the rump?

8. Insist that both sets of children share their personal belongings. If we're to be a family, it's selfish not to graciously offer all that we have.

9. It isn't necessary for the visiting kids to have their own space, is it? After all, they are only with you a handful of days each month. They won't mind if you move the clutter out of that extra room in the basement or by the garage whenever they come to stay. The person who said that each child should have his own personal space doesn't know what he is talking about. The visiting kids won't mind living out of a suitcase or piling their belongings on a shelf. It's only for a few days, right?

10. Regularly compare each set of children to each other, and compete with your new spouse about which set of children is superior. This strategy has been designed to motivate everyone to be their best possible selves. Whoever said that this philosophy will lead to hostility among the "steps" clearly doesn't know anything about human behavior.

If you follow even a handful of the above suggestions, I can almost guarantee that your new life will be sheer agony! Of course we all know that the above suggestions were made in jest to highlight the mistakes so many people have inadvertently made as they attempted to blend two very different sets of people into one happy mix. It takes a tremendous amount of sensitivity, patience and luck to pull this off. A sense of humor and flexiblity goes a long way as well!

About the Author
Linda Lipshutz, M.S., ACSW knows how devastating divorce can be for you and your family. Remarriage presents a totally new set of challenges. To learn more about Linda visit the divorcesmarts section of her website: http://www.lifesmartscoaching.com. You are invited to sign up for her free relationship newsletters, by visiting the website and clicking the newsletter sign-up box. There is an issue just for singles.