Win over Children As a Stepmother

Stepmothers have an undeserved, terrible reputation. From the countless "wicked stepmothers" in fairy tales such as Cinderella, Hansel & Gretel and Snow White, to the more modern stepmothers and potential stepmothers in films, who are nearly always replaced with the "real" mother at the end, most people think of stepmothers as being evil, or at least uncaring, and children are often apprehensive and prejudiced against the idea of having one. It can be difficult to win over children, and sometimes you need some help...

Steps

 * 1)  Make sure you know the circumstances surrounding their biological mother. If she walked out on her family for another person, you probably won't need to deal with the children missing their original mother or wishing she was there. But they might be used to having their remaining parent all to themselves, in which case they could become jealous of you. On the other hand, if she died, (especially recently) you may have a hard time supporting and making allowances for the kids in their grief, and they may feel their parent is being disloyal to her memory. Basically, find out:
 * 2) * Why she is no longer with their other parent.  Did she leave of her own accord or was it a mutual decision between the two parents or even the whole family? This will change their behaviour to you because they may feel you have no right to be taking over from their "rightful" mother in some situations. If she died, they may feel their other parent is being unfaithful to her memory.
 * 3) * How long their parents have been separated.  If they're still trying to accept the fact that their parents are divorced, or their mother has just died, throwing a new parent into the mix will just confuse and hurt them even more. But if they're used to the situation, they'll be much more accepting and may even be glad you're making their parent happy.
 * 4) * What their current relationship with their mother is  (if she's alive). Do they still see each other? Do they live together? Do they dislike her? The stronger their current relationship, the more they will feel they would rather have her back, and they may be trying to get their parents back together (younger children, who can't understand that their parents don't love each other anymore, often try to do this). Of course, you should  never  try to weaken their relationship with their mother.
 * 5)  Get to know the children and spend some time with them before the marriage. Kids will find a "step-girlfriend" much easier to deal with than a "step-mother", even though there is very little difference. Once they accept your relationship with their other parent, marriage will seem much more acceptable to them and they may even welcome it, if they like you.
 * 6)  Make it clear that you love their parent, but don't overplay it or make them feel uncomfortable. Don't make children feel uncomfortable - especially at the beginning of the relationship - with extensive displays of affection. A quick peck is fine; a prolonged, full-frontal make-out session is not.
 * 7) Try to build relationships with the children based on them, not the fact that you are their new stepmother. Try to take an interest in their personalities, and what they have to tell you - remember what they say to you and make references to it later to make it clear you really listen to them. Try going for days out with them, such as the cinema or theme park, when your partner can't make it. If you like them for themselves, chances are they'll like you more.
 * 8) Take their side sometimes. If the children really want a dog, and their parent is opposed, but you feel he is in the wrong,  say so  . Don't agree with them just to make them like you, but say what you think and support them when you feel they have a point. Don't start big arguments over small things, and don't act as if you are their parent and have the right to choose for them against your partner's will, but state your opinion and back the kids up.
 * 9)  Try to relate to the children. Learn about them from your partner beforehand or just listen to what they say and act on it. For instance, if one of them is just crazy about animals and you're a vet, you could make their day by offering to show them some of the animals, or if you have a pet, invite them over just to see it and play with it. Have conversations about things that interest both of you.
 * 10) Let them have quality time alone with both their parents. This is very important, so they don't feel they're being deprived of either of them. Let them do things alone with your partner while you catch up with old friends; it'll work out better for everybody.
 * 11) If all else fails, tell the kids how you feel. Don't try to win their pity or make them feel bad, but tell them that you love their parent very much, you want to make sure everyone is happy, you're not trying to change anything... say what you think. Ask them if anything you do gets on their nerves, and act on it.

Tips

 * Younger children may find it difficult to understand how they can suddenly have a new mother, and may be confused, but older children will be more likely to cling to the possibility that you might leave and may purposefully be rude to you. Make some allowances for both, but don't let either push you around!
 * Don't talk down to kids, they hate it. Talk to them as you would to an adult, and if they don't seem to understand something then go over it again without suddenly dumbing it down too much.

Warnings

 * Don't try to change the childrens' relationships with either of their parents in any way.