Divorce As Peacefully As Possible

As one may have noticed that no divorce is sweet and amicable as hoped for. However there are suitable strategies that divorcing couples can learn, in order to make their departure from the relationship as peaceful and stress free as possible. Many losses are experienced when ending a relationship, the loss of a home, security, finance, comfort, intimacy etc, only to name a few. There are several aspects to divorce, issues that both partners need to deal with in order to aid and facilitate the process.

Steps

 * 1)  Deal with the emotional aspect of the breakup. Seek counselling if necessary as this helps deal with the loss of trust, respect and affection within the relationship. It may become very traumatic to accept that you have been rejected or replaced. It leaves people feeling as though they have been rejected and affects their self esteem, especially the partners who have been rejected. Coping strategies need to be found to survive these losses. Feelings of anger and resentment need to be diffused to allow the person to reclaim their lives as a single person again.
 * 2)  See the positive side to dealing with lawyers and the courts.  This may be stressful but once over this does provide some tangible benefits to the divorce process. Partners are now legally separated from their duties to be responsible for one another.
 * 3)  Avoid bitterness when assets have to be divided. This creates major unhappiness as each partner feels robbed and this generates arguing as to who is entitled to what. Most couples struggle to agree on who should get what. Couples ideally should focus on creating a new life, new environment with no lasting memories of the cancelled marriage. This notion will help them not to fight over items that will bring back memories and pain of the once held marriage.
 * 4)  Decide on how family life should be organized when children are involved. "Who has custody", "How can visiting rights of the access parent be arranged", " How can parenting responsibilities be shared between two parties", are all important issues that need to be resolved. It is not healthy for the children, when parents use them as weapons against each other. Children are not protected from the conflict and bitterness that rages between angry parents. Avoid creating situations whereby children become emotionally trapped by their loyalty to both parents.
 * 5)  Deal appropriately with adjustment in the community. Most often divorcing couples have to leave a community of friends and colleagues to join another. Shared friends from the former marriage often need to choose whose side they are on. Deal with losses in a mature way, knowing that even these friendships, like the marriage was never meant to be. This can be a huge loss for many people who had valued the relationships formed and a sense of belonging that they once shared.
 * 6)  Learn to regain your sense of 'YOU' as an individual. This part is marked by seeing yourself as an individual again rather than being a part of an intimate couple. The intense reactions of denial, anger, bargaining and grief need to replaced with feelings of acceptance.
 * 7)  Distance yourself from all  aspects of the broken relationship. Move on to rediscover your own individuality. This is referred to as the central separation, the stage when the person starts to feel whole again.

Sources and Citations

 * Adapted from: Marriage Guidance, Facilitative couples counselling. Study guide.University of South Africa. University Press. Pretoria.2010.