Stop Your Kids from Using Your Divorce to Their Advantage

When you get divorced, parenting becomes sometimes easier, sometimes a lot harder. Here's some ways to help you recognize signs your children may be "helping" the two of you not get along.

Steps

 * 1) Talk to your ex. Even if you hate each other, you still have kids that have 2 parents. Make sure you do not insinuate "this is your fault" or use any other blaming phrases. Discuss the children's behavior at each place.
 * 2)  Set some guidelines that both of you can follow when it comes to rules. For instance if your 16 year old daughter has a curfew at your house of 12 midnight, discuss making that her curfew at both places. Its hard to pit parents against each other who follow along the same guidelines.
 * 3)  Make sure to know what each others plans are for discipline. For instance, you and your ex might decided to use groundings, etc. If they are grounded here, then that means they're grounded there also. Even if you only see your kids every other weekend, their actions shouldn't be excused just because your going to the other parents'.
 * 4)  Communicate. Yeah, you got divorced. You may not like each other all that well. But, when it comes down to it, if you both agree on some rules, and guidelines, and they are the same for each household, it makes it easier to talk about other issues with the children also. Soon, your children see you as parents instead of the one whose too strict and the one whose not.
 * 5)  Sit your children down and both of you address them. Tell them the two of you talked and decided having two very different sets of rules wasn't working. So, the two of you decided that these certain rules would apply at both places and the punishments for the breaking of those rules will be the same at both houses also.
 * 6)  Explain to them that while there will be variations in other rules that work for each house, basic rules are the same.

Tips

 * Don't expect a turn-around in a minute. At first it might be really hard to keep up.
 * If one of them breaks a rule...no matter what, stick to the agreed terms for punishment. If they get out of it, you're setting yourself and them up for failure. They don't take you seriously, and think everything you say is to be done half the time.
 * As hard as it can be, back each other up as parents. For awhile my ex and I talked a lot on the phone. Our kids favorite saying was Mom (or Dad) wouldn't do that to me. We can do it at my mom's and/or dad's. Well, we nipped it in the bud by getting on the phone and checking it. He or I would call and ask 'is so and so allowed to do this at your house'. If so, we talked about it, and made amendments accordingly. If they lied.. well, that's another issue entirely.
 * As hard as it is try to discuss any disagreements away from the children.
 * It will take some time for all of you to adjust but, keep it up. All of you will be much better off in the end.

Warnings

 * Your children will rebel.
 * Your ex may not be as happy to change as you.
 * It may be harder with teenagers.
 * Less communication on the parents part means bigger ammunition for the kids.

Related Tips and Steps

 * How to Be a Good Parent
 * How to Work With Students With Emotional and Behavioral Problems
 * How to Deal With Children in a Divorce Situation
 * How to Survive a Divorce
 * How to Handle Divorce Anger