Take a Healthy Approach to Finances in Your Relationship

We can tell our values by looking at our checkbook stubs. - Gloria Steinem

If you've ever been in a relationship for very long, especially if you were married or living together, it is almost a guarantee that you've had a money fight. One of the biggest causes of problems in relationships is differences in values and goals and habits when it comes to money, and especially communication about money issues.

Money can't buy you love, but it sure can tear it apart.

The crux of this article is to learn how to talk about money, and learn to align your financial goals. If you can do those two things, you've done more than most couples, and you've done a lot to keep your relationship on solid ground.

Steps

 * 1) Sit down and talk about financial goals and values. Many couples often neglect this step, even if it seems obvious and commonsense. But because talking about finances can be uncomfortable, many couples leave these important things unsaid, and often don't even think about it individually. They have goals and values when it comes to money, but they're not examined. That's a mistake, as one person might want to be frugal in order to save for future goals, while the other might like to spend and enjoy things now, while the getting is good. The differences often come from different upbringings, and they can be emotionally charged (see next step for more on this). It doesn't have to be difficult, though, and it might take a few meetings to get to actual written goals, with a time frame for each, but that's where you want to be eventually.
 * 2) * Each person should have a budget (formal or crude, either one) of what their income and expenses are before going into the discussion. Spend some time going over your past 3 months of expenses and income to prepare a good overview of what and where are your expenses.  Make sure to include those $5 lattes every morning, and the high-grade gasoline instead of the cheap stuff, and be prepared to calmly explain the justification for things that your partner may not readily see the value in!  (And be prepared to invest in a latte machine - or whatever it takes to help make the compromises successful.)
 * 3) * Tell your partner you'd like to sit down and have a talk about the future — what your goals are and how you can work together, as a team, to achieve them. Start by spitting out the things each of you want — a house, kids, college education for the kids, a healthy emergency fund, nice cars, travel each year, nice clothes, gadgets and computers, etc.
 * 4) *Then prioritize, and see if you can come up with things in common. If you want different things, it is important that you talk about why, and consider the other person's desires. If that's what makes the other person happy, you should want to make them happy - that's the basis of a good relationship. But relationships aren't one-sided, either, so you should be able to be happy too. The point is that both sides should be considered, and you should look for a win-win solution or compromise so that you can both be happy.
 * 5) * Discuss how you will handle assets and debts that were accumulated before the relationship began. If you are married in the U.S., your spouse's creditors can hold you legally responsible and pursue your assets if you don't keep your finances completely separated, or if you ever get divorced. Plus, your spouse's credit score will affect your ability to get joint credit, which is often necessary for large purchases (such as a home). So if you're married, the best route is to work together to pay off debt as quickly as possible, avoiding late payments. If you're planning on getting married soon, a pre-nuptial agreement can help protect one person's assets from the other person's creditors. If you're not married, you may choose to treat individual debt as a shared expense, or you may not - the choice is yours as a couple.
 * 6) Remove emotions from financial talk. From your first meetings about financial goals to your subsequent weekly talks (addressed in a later step), it's important that the two of you stay calm, don't get hurt or angry over any of the issues, and try to look at these issues objectively. Often financial issues are tied up in all kinds of emotional issues, stemming from childhood, from issues of security to feeling like your way is better, to feeling hurt if your way of spending is criticized in any way, and much more. These emotional issues are all tangled together with financial issues, and it's important that you untangle them and just deal with financial goals and habits:
 * 7) * Don't use emotional, accusatory, or inflammatory language. Use nonviolent communication.
 * 8) *Don't blame the other person or even be negatively critical.
 * 9) *Simply talk about your financial goals, developing a plan for getting to those goals, developing a system for dealing with finances, and so forth.
 * 10) *Also, try not to feel like you're under attack if the other person talks about your goals or habits — let this be an open discussion, and if you feel under attack, stop and take a breath and remember that this isn't a discussion about you personally but about how the two of you are going to meet your goals. Again, think of this as a team effort, not as a you-vs-me effort.
 * 11) Come up with a plan to meet your goals. Once you're able to come up with common financial goals (a huge step - celebrate!), you will need a plan to get you there. This will take into account your joint income, your debt, your savings, how much you can put towards debt and/or saving each month, whether you want to cut back on certain things in order to meet your savings goals, how long you want to give yourself to meet financial goals, and so forth:
 * 12) * Start by having a definite time frame for each goal, and then figure out how much you need to save (or pay towards debt) each month to get to your goals. Try to get into the habit of paying yourselves first.
 * 13) *Create a spending plan (if you haven't already) for each month, and see if you can adjust it to meet that monthly goal. You might need to cut back on some things, or earn extra income, or both. Or you might discover that your goals aren't realistic and you need to cut back on them, reprioritize, or push them back a bit in order to meet them. This plan to meet your goals is how you will align your daily and monthly spending with your long-term goals. It's also a great way to resolve minor short-term disputes - for example, "you should definitely buy fewer shoes, and I should buy fewer video games, so we can buy that house in three years and travel to Europe in two years". Spending plans will evolve as time goes by -- this is inevitable; be prepared to adjust and adapt to your changing situations (promotion at work, unexpected expenses like constant car repairs indicating an upcoming major expense, etc.) as needed.
 * 14) Develop a system for finances that works for both of you. It may take some trial, error and tweaking before you get it right. Keep in mind that no one arrangement is in any way "better" than the other. The best arrangement is the one that creates the most harmony in your relationship.
 * 15) *Use the communal approach if you have very similar spending styles and saving goals. All of the income received by the couple goes into a single account, and all expenses come out of that single account. If you're not on the same page about spending, like if one person tends to make money decisions that the other person tends to disagree with, this approach can lead to frequent arguments. Communication, trust, and discipline are essential for this arrangement to work smoothly.
 * 16) *[[Image:Pye couples joint account_161.png|300px|right]]Use the individual approach if you have different spending styles. Keep separate accounts to which your individual incomes are deposited. Put money into a joint account only for shared expenses. Decide what those shared expenses are going to be (usually rent or mortgage, utilities, etc.) and what proportion each partner will pay. You can each put in half of the expenses, or you may decide to contribute a percentage that's relative to your individual income (e.g. one person makes twice as much per year as the other, so one person puts twice as much towards the shared expenses as the other). The remainder of the money in each person's account is theirs to keep and spend or save however they wish.
 * 17) *Use the allowance approach if it fits. This is a hybrid of the previous two arrangements. Put everything into a joint account, but then give each person an allowance to spend as they wish. The allowance can be in cash, or it can be transferred to individual accounts. Decide as a couple how much of an allowance each person should get. This works best for people who tend to spend money on different things, but who still want to pool their income.
 * 18) Decide who will be handling the "administrative" aspects of your finances. In order to put your financial plan into action, you'll need to figure out how you're going to pay your bills, pay debt, deposit into savings, have money for various spending needs (like gas and groceries and eating out), and so forth. Someone will have to take responsibility for each part of the system (it's better if you're both involved, but you should find what works best for you as a couple). Usually there's one person who's more inclined to do the bookkeeping, and sometimes he or she doesn't mind carrying this responsibility. Otherwise, you'll need to define and assign responsibility.  One person might go to the bank while the other updates your financial program (like Quicken or Money) or your checking register to make sure you're in balance, for example.
 * 19) *If one person will be handling the finances more than the other, what is his or her responsibility in consulting with the other before, say, moving money into the savings account or IRA?
 * 20) *If the person who normally handles these tasks can't do it (e.g. medical issue, away on a trip, etc.) does the other person know enough about the process to step in?
 * 21) Have weekly financial meetings. This is very important, and it's a step that many couples overlook. Just because you have common financial goals and a plan and a system doesn't mean that everything is fine. If one person takes responsibility for the finances, for example, and the other is out of the loop, there will likely be problems down the road. You don't want to be in the situation where one partner took care of the finances and the other was blissfully ignorant...until it was revealed that they were way behind on payments and would soon have to file for bankruptcy. That isn't a good time in a relationship! To prevent problems like this, have a weekly meeting where you sit down and talk about finances. You can review your accounts, your spending plan, what is coming up in the next few weeks that you'll need to budget for, any problem areas, what to do with your annual bonus, where you are with your goals, and so forth. Make sure you're both caught up on everything, and that you're working well as a team.
 * 22) Adapt as needed. You may need to adjust the allowances or proportions if a big expense arises, like one person loses a job, or suffers from a major illness or injury, or even takes up a new (and expensive) interest or hobby. For instance, let's say a couple uses the communal approach, and then one partner decides to take up golfing again. The couple may decide that the best way to accommodate this is to designate a "golfing allowance" so that one partner knows exactly how much the other partner is going to be spending on this hobby, and there are no surprises ("You spent how much on that golf club?!?"). (In the golfing example, additional expenses could be drawn from the person's personal allowance.) Many couples modify their arrangement significantly as their circumstances change. A couple may, for example, start off with the individual approach, then transition into the communal approach when they start a family or make a large investment together.
 * 23) Above all, stay positive and be honest. Remember: you're a team. You have the same goals and you want each other to be happy. Team members can help each other out and encourage each other, or they can rip the team apart by being negative, by blaming, by working against common goals. If you always stay positive, you'll succeed as a team. Be encouraging, stay focused on solutions not blame, and make sure love is the foundation of everything you do.

Tips

 * No matter how you choose to handle your finances as a couple, you should talk about and dedicate money to an emergency fund of 3 to 6 months' worth of living expenses.
 * Just because you have individual accounts doesn't mean you don't trust one another. Sometimes it's not convenient to discuss every single purchase in real time, and this can occasionally lead to misunderstandings and even overdraft fees at the bank. It's possible to make individual accounts into joint accounts so that you can see each other's financial activities, but agree not to use money from the other person's designated account without discussing it first, or unless it's an emergency.

Related Tips and Steps

 * How to Manage Your Finances
 * How to Discuss Finances Together in a Marriage
 * How to Save Money
 * How to Get Out of Debt
 * How to Have a Healthy Relationship
 * How to Hire a Financial Advisor
 * How to Refinance Your Mortgage

Sources and Citations

 * Original source of article from the very generous Zen Habits. Please feel free to visit and support copyright free information providers.