Survive when a Parent Threatens Suicide

It's hard enough getting through your own life. But when a parent threatens suicide, it can rock your world in ways you can hardly imagine. What do you do? Can you help? And where do you turn to find support yourself? This article will not have all the answers, but it can help direct you as you navigate these very difficult, dark waters.

Steps

 * 1)  Understand that you are not a mental health professional.  There are some situations that cannot be handled by family and/or friends, no matter how much you love your parent, no matter how well-intentioned you are.  If your parent seems truly serious, repeats the threat more than once, or makes an attempt on his/her life, realize that you are out of your depth and will need to call in professional help (911 will do for starters in the US/Canada).
 * 2)  Assess lethal intent.  The first thing to do when a parent threatens suicide is to find out how serious the threat really is.  Sometimes, this type of comment or remark is simply meant to tell you how much pain your parent is feeling, so that you understand how serious his or her pain really is.  Other times, this is a deadly warning.  You can try following these "sub steps" to figure out what you're dealing with:
 * 3) * Ask if s/he is truly thinking about hurting him/herself. It seems counter to good sense to come right out and ask, but do it. The most important thing you can do for your parent is to let him/her know that you hear the pain.  Knowing that s/he is actually being heard and taken seriously can be Step One to recovery, believe it or not.  So, kindly and gently say something like, "Dad, it really hurts me to see you in such pain.  When you said 'I feel like killing myself,' did you really mean that?"  If Dad says, "I was just so frustrated..." that means you can probably exhale.  It does not mean he won't feel worse later, but it does mean he wasn't serious.  If Dad says, "I'm just tired of everything," that is much more serious.
 * 4) *Ask if s/he has a plan and/or the means to carry out the threat. Again, seems like something you should avoid asking, but nevertheless, this is not a time to get shy or nervous - a life is at stake.  If Dad is 'tired of everything,' ask, "If you were going to really do it, would you know how you'd want to?"  Again, you are trying to assess how lethal the intention here is.  If Dad says, "I'd probably use my gun," you need to figure out where the gun is.  If it's locked in a gun box or locker, it's not as serious as if it's in the nightstand drawer.  If it's in the nightstand drawer, you could go and take it elsewhere.  However, that is a serious threat, no matter how you cut it because Dad (A) has a plan (a gun) and (B) has the means (the gun) to carry out the threat.  On the other hand, if Dad responds with something like, "Oh, I don't know.  Maybe pills?  Something painless?"  this is a less credible threat.  He is vague on the details.  You can press a little and ask what sort of pills.  A response like, "Tylenol - lots of it. We have a huge bottle of them." is bad (he knows what pills he is thinking of, and has enough on hand).  Something like, "Maybe I have enough sleeping pills and a couple of glasses of vodka...?" is not as bad (he's unsure if he has enough to do the job and which pills he's even thinking of).
 * 5) *Ask if you can pray for him/her if you are a person of faith. Take his or her hand, and pray that s/he will be comforted and find a peace settling upon him/her, and that you can be of help somehow. Keep it short - it's not about a long rant.  It's about (A) putting your faith to work at a crucial time for a person in need and (B) letting your parent know how very much you love and care for him by offering a very intimate gift.  It has the effect of soothing your heart, and making you feel more confident, plus it can really help your parent to know that your faith is helping you to be strong when s/he cannot be.
 * 6)  Be discreet. Don't go around your family blabbing this willy-nilly.  You will embarrass your parent and it will put pressure on him/her to present a strong facade, both for the rest of the friends and family and for you.  Take only those you can trust to keep confidences into yours.
 * 7)  Don't hesitate to tell if you feel your parent is truly serious.  This seems to go counter to the step above, but it's a judgment call on your part which way to go.  Do not keep this secret if you believe your parent is serious - get help from the rest of the family, friends, your pastor, a doctor.  Definitely tell your other parent, regardless of your living arrangement (if they are divorced, separated, etc).
 * 8)  Get help.  If you believe your parent is deadly serious about his or her threat, go to another family member with the threat and your fears, or go to a family friend or a teacher.  Someone will be able to get professional help for your parent.  Don't wait.  If you cannot shake a bad feeling about this, make contact with someone quickly so that an intervention has a chance to work.
 * 9)  Let your parent know that you still see him/her as tall and strong.  Feeling that s/he has lost standing in your eyes will undermine his/her recovery to a more confident and relaxed state.  Make sure your parent knows it's important to you that s/he is proud of you, approves of your decisions, etc. - just the little, every day things that you do as a child to a parent.
 * 10)  Accept that you will not make the ultimate decision here.  If a parent is truly suicidal, nothing anyone does can prevent this tragedy.  Even if you see it coming a long way off, there is only so much you - or anyone - can do.  This decision ultimately rests in one person's hands, and one alone.  If your parent makes this tragic decision, don't blame yourself, or anyone else.

Tips

 * Every city has a local crisis line. Know the number for yours. Look it up online or in the Yellow Pages. A lot of cities have a "211" number you can call for local health and social service referrals, similar to 411 for directory information. They may even be able to connect you directly to your local crisis line.

Warnings

 * You cannot save him or her. You can only show concern and try hard to let him or her know you hear him or her.  You can get professional help.  You can be there for him/her.  But you cannot put yourself between your parent and the intention to take his/her own life if s/he is bent on self-destruction.  Don't blame yourself or engage in "what-ifs" if nothing helps.

Related Tips and Steps

 * How to Help an Acquaintance Cope with Suicidal Ideations
 * How to Deal with Suicidal Parents
 * How to Help Someone with Depression
 * How to Help Someone Having a Panic Attack