Tell People You're Keeping Your Maiden Name

Many women do not change their names when they marry, but that doesn't mean that people's preconceptions have caught up. How do you tell the world that you're keeping your name just the way it is?

Note that the term "keeping a maiden name" is incorrect since it is called "maiden name" only if you also have a "married name". Otherwise you don't have a "maiden name" or a "married name", you only have a name.

Steps

 * 1)  Recognize that keeping the name you were born with goes against many years of tradition in certain countries.  This doesn't mean that you should change your mind. It is still your decision.
 * 2) Remember too, that traditions are not set in stone. In some countries like Italy or Spain, it is traditional for women to keep their family name, and even when a woman decides to use her husband's surname she can't relinquish her own and will continue to use it in official documents, ID cards, passports etc. for the rest of her life.
 * 3) Be aware. You need to understand the basic points-of-view before you proceed. Be open and confident about your decision to keep your name. You are certainly not alone in your decision.  Women choose to keep their birth names for a variety of reasons. For example, women with established careers and women who marry when they're older are less likely to change their names because they've already established a reputation with their birth name and may feel that changing it would challenge the recognition they've already accomplished. (E.g. - When providing references for work done in the past, a woman who has changed her name would have to ask a potential employer to use her birth name when calling her references, as her old employers or professors will not recognize her by her new last name. This creates an inconvenience that for some women outweighs the benefits of changing their name.)  One's name is part of one's identity, and many women choose to keep their identities independent from their marital status.  The traditional concept of marriage includes a more linked identity to one's spouse. Your name is your own, part of your identity and heritage, and you have every right to keep it if you wish. A clear and firm understanding of your beliefs will help you to be confident and, if necessary, defend your choice as you announce your decision to others.
 * 4) Consider your options. You can take your husband's name legally but keep your birth name for use professionally and socially (not including family events). Whether or not you change your name legally, you can still go by your married name among family. Unless they're checking ID at the family BBQ, they will probably never know the difference. But just in case, let your family know that you are maintaining your birth name at work for privacy purposes and if they ever hear you addressed with your birth name with regards to you they should just play along. You can also take your husband's name as a middle name, or keep your birth name as a middle name.
 * 5)  Discuss your plan with your husband-to-be and make sure you have his support before announcing your decision to the world.  If you share the same values about what defines your relationship, he can respect your decision and see it as something which makes you a stronger person, which in turn lends strength and solidity to your marriage. Also, discuss the possibility of children at this stage, as you and your new husband or husband-to-be will also need to decide what surname you will give to your children (people will probably ask). If this is something that you do not yet agree on, it should be addressed before the decision is announced. It is imperative to be on the same page before the two of you enter into a life together.
 * 6) Inform his parents, and yours. You may find that they are supportive of your decision.  If they are more traditional, you may encounter some resistance.  Just keep in mind that you need not justify your decision to anyone. Hopefully, they will soon respect your plans to keep your full identity.
 * 7)  Ask your officiant not to introduce you as "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" during the ceremony. Instead, ask that both your names be announced. You may even want to ask your officiant (or even your DJ) to announce to everybody that both you and your husband will continue to be known by your own names.  This is an excellent way to spread the word quickly so that people will know how to address you.
 * 8)  Make certain that your names appear correctly on the marriage certificate and any other paper with legal ramifications (such as the deed to a home you buy jointly).  As far as the official paperwork goes, it always takes less effort to keep a name than to change one.  Make sure that any errors get corrected before you sign any document.
 * 9)  Put it in print. For wedding thank-you notes, print or have printed return address labels or envelopes which list the names of both you and your husband. Sign the cards with both names.
 * 10)  Consider printing and enclosing some business cards with both of your names and your address and phone number, especially if you have moved recently, or are about to move.  Enclose them with thank-you notes or, if you feel it is appropriate, invitations or announcements.  Many people will take this as an opportunity to update their address books. Seeing your name unchanged in print will help them to know how to address you.

Tips

 * Be clear and be gracious, but also prepare to be firm if people question the validity of your decision or your relationship. Don't make your friends and relatives guess whether or not you've changed your name.
 * Accept mistakes, especially at first and from strangers. Forgive these errors and correct them gently, knowing that most were honest mistakes based on years of social customs.
 * When discussing your decision state that you have both decided to keep your birth names (as opposed to using the term "maiden name"). Even with more traditional people, the terminology change seems to make the concept easier to handle.
 * When you choose not to change your name you save yourself some bureaucracy and paperwork. You will not have to change your driver's license, your passport, your credit cards and any work or school identification cards. It is unnecessary to call, write, or visit your financial institutions and tell them you are marrying; however, if you wish to add your husband to a bank account, or designate him as a beneficiary on an account or an insurance policy, you may do so at any time.
 * Don't forget to update or create a will or trust when you get married, along with the other documents which create a full estate plan. Your family will need these when you die. The good news however, is that since you are not altering your name, you will not have to amend the names on any estate or trust documents you may have already created.
 * When a mistake is made on a legal document (car title, deed, etc.) do not sign until the mistake is corrected. This goes for any substantive mistake, not just your name.
 * Decide what you are going to do if/when you have children before you get married. This may cause unnecessary friction if your husband is planning on his son to carry on his family name.
 * If your children do not have the same last name as you, be prepared for some people to question your relationship to them. When travelling to foreign countries, it is a good idea to take a copy of your child's birth certificate in addition to passports, because the passports will not show your relationship to the child. This can cause some difficulties.
 * When both couples add each other's surname, in hyphenation, any children will be better identified as belonging to each parent, instead of only to the father.
 * After divorces, and when women marry again, they could have a different name from their children. But, as the woman obviously had the child/ren, (proof as in birthing) and the father may not be the real one, having the mother's name also, is important as to 'who' the children came from.
 * To add the mother's real name to the husband's name, would ensure that all children can carry their true birth name. Children would have at least one REAL name, as opposed to acquiring their surname through marriage. This tradition makes the mother's name and true identity, obsolete.
 * If your family name is rare most people will understand your desire to keep it. The same is true if your husband's name is odd or unflattering with your first name. John Doe is a lot better sounding than John John.
 * Make sure you inform the IT or computer people if you work for a firm with such support. They will often change your email, computer, phone, etc. while you are getting married so it is correct when you return. (Most people are quick to demand those changes are made once it is official and many IT staffers try to do it before it becomes an issue.)

Warnings

 * Don't take it personally when people assume you changed your last name, especially with strangers and acquaintances. Don't react to other people's reactions. Be gracious about it.
 * Have a notarized copy of your marriage certificate on hand for any agency that needs to see you are married and questions the two last names. This would not be an unusual request for insurance companies needing to verify that you are a spouse or medical offices needing to verify relationship.

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