Be Assertive Without Being Arrogant

Assertiveness is a very important means for communicating your needs in a way that is fair to both yourself and to others. Unfortunately, for some insecure people, assertive people are sometimes threatening and it is easier to label them as arrogant, selfish, or unhelpful when they receive the answer "no" or when boundaries are made clear by the assertive person. In particular, those with manipulation, neediness, and trust problems can see assertive responses as undermining their own agendas and will seek to respond with negative critiques of an assertive person's behavior. This is where it can get a little tricky for the newly assertive convert but it's no reason to suddenly start worrying that you are arrogant!

Steps

 * 1)  Check that you are using assertive communication appropriately. If you are new to assertiveness, or you're not feeling your usual self because of illness or stress, etc., you might be resorting to techniques that are more aggressive, passive aggressive, or making assumptions where there are none to be made, rather than being assertive. A quick check you can do is to think back through your comments and stance with the person in question and write down what you said. Read it back: Does it sound to you as if you were being assertive, or otherwise? Be honest - it's about you!
 * 2) *Here's a good way to express yourself without being arrogant: How to Practice Nonviolent Communication
 * 3)  Check the context. Sometimes factors come into the equation that shouldn't. Race, gender, married status, age, disabilities, illness, and so on can sometimes cause a person to assume that you have an "attitude", rather than an assertive style of communication. If you suspect that this is the situation, continue with your assertive communication and consider whether it is worth raising your concern that your status might be causing negative responses from the person accusing you of being arrogant, or whether this might even be something actionable in your workplace, school, etc. environment.
 * 4)  Be an active listener. Letting people know your boundaries and feelings while at the same time allowing them space to talk, discuss, and open up about their feelings is important. Assertiveness is about give and take; you take a little of their time to clarify your feelings and you give a lot of your time to hear about theirs. Remember that a good listener is also a flatterer and it's hard to find arrogance in that!
 * 5)  Be humble and modest. Assertiveness and humility make a fine combination. An assertive person doesn't need to shout "Me, me, me, look what I did!" from the rooftops. Assertive people are remembered because they stand firm, their needs and interests are clear to others, and because they are reliable; they also frequently become a form of role model for others seeking to assert themselves effectively. Take this role to heart but don't boast, big note yourself or become pushy, no matter how clever, popular, or successful you might be.
 * 6)  Reflect over your communications with others and your purpose. While assertiveness is about ensuring that others respect you and what you want in life, it ceases to be assertive communication when you use assertiveness techniques to confuse or outwit someone where you're more knowledgeable, cashed up, or better off than another person. Assertive communication is not about "getting your own way". That's turning assertiveness into aggressive techniques of communication and that's when you'll be accused of being arrogant. Always think about the purpose of your communications - will it make you better understood, will it ensure that your needs are fully communicated, and will it still respect the other person's need to be clearly understood and well informed? For example, which of these examples do you prefer:
 * Hi, I'm Arrogi. I bought this iPhone here last week. It's a lemon. It scrambles my messages, it chewed up my hard drive, and it emits this high, piercing sound that makes my dog go insane. Now I just know an iPhone isn't supposed to behave this way but I suspect that your store is removing the X factor that makes it work well when the software download from Herod's site is added to the overall structure. I mean, you guys think you're so smart but I'm one ahead of you and this really stinks. I mean, back in '89 I practically invented the whole concept but it was stolen from me, so nothing gets past me ever again. This is so serious a breach of your store's customer care that I want the manager, not just a retail rep!"
 * Hi, I'm Asserti. Oh I see you're Thomasina - Hi Thomasina! I don't think we've met yet - I think I was served by Jay before. Anyway, I bought this iPhone last week and it's a lemon. It scrambles my messages, it chewed up my hard drive, and it emits this high, piercing sound that made my dog go insane. Now I just know an iPhone isn't supposed to behave this way and I was hoping you might be able to look into it getting fixed, or perhaps, even better, give me a new one? I'd really like a new one because then I wouldn't have to worry it might fail on me again. I've always bought my gadgets from this store and I have always really appreciated your customer service. So Thomasina, do you think you might be able to help me out?"
 * 1) *In the first example, Arrogi starts off OK and then starts meandering, and ends up being aggressive. In the second example, Asserti keeps it light, considerate but still remains focused on the point, only he asks for buy-in from the retail assistant and doesn't disrespect her station. Note how he also named her at the start - establishing rapport with someone for who they are, not just their role, really matters. And that is one incredible key to warding off people finding you arrogant when you practice assertive communications – you treat the other person like they matter (because they do).
 * 2)  Remember that assertiveness techniques take time to learn and nobody gets it right all the time. Apologizing is a good response to a failure to communicate assertively though and there is always space to reopen that door to better communications. See How to Apologize.
 * 3)  Don't take negative comebacks to heart. When you are faced with one of life's more challenging personalities, the best thing to do is to not take it personally. Sometimes it is your self-assurance that is a cause of irritation for less secure people and their response is to try and weevil their way in through criticism. This is never a reason to fall back into old patterns of unhealthy communication styles. Simply reassert whatever your point is and choose to leave it there. It is something they can work on with the full enlightenment on where you stand. See How to Deal With Impossible People and How to Stop Taking Things Personally.
 * 4)  Seek the middle way. Sometimes if you're placed in a position of having to choose between differing viewpoints in a group, there might be accusations of arrogance against one division by the other. Always consider the possibility of being able to acknowledge both sides of the argument and finding the middle way to draw the concerns together. You don't necessarily have to solve the situation but you can be a powerful facilitator to the group finding an answer to its division through your assertive communications. In such situations, inform everyone that the situation is not one for blame, not one for recriminations, and not one for finding fault. Instead, help people to see that there is a chance for compromise by showing them where each has made assumptions about the other or the facts of the situation, while still upholding your own belief or opinion. And suggest that they have another look at things to reach a compromise. For more details, read How to Reach a Consensus.

Tips

 * Arrogance includes feelings of superiority, elitism, snobbery, or smugness. If you are experiencing any of these, you risk being rude to other people rather than making a genuine connection through assertive communication and active listening. It's more likely that your assertiveness will pertain to getting what you want but not to creating a reciprocal relationship with another person whom you consider to be beneath your level for whatever reason. That lack of genuineness undermines the whole point of assertive communications and means that it's time for a rethink of the insecurities or elitist attitudes that might have crept in unnoticed. Even the most practiced assertive communicators can have a weak moment when they fall by the wayside and need to rechart their course; no shame in that, just do it.

Related Tips and Steps

 * How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
 * How to Practice Nonviolent Communication
 * How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship
 * How to Give a Feedback Sandwich